how things change

i don't know the name for it but i know its essence well. it is the thing inside of me without sense and patience. so devoid of emotion i grasp blindly on anything new and wish for the best regardless of its substance. i don't think about it. it is what it is in the moment i grab it and that is how it remains. that is until i decide i was foolish and enter a new feeling that i grasp and withold from all other contemplative angles. it is. it is not. that is all i know. then i don't know and i am confused and forlorn for that which i had known is now lost and that which is unknown is ever present and daunting. i don't know much. i know nothing at all. counter is the same as its opposite, whatever that is. it is all the same to me. it is all just a moment in time and i am unable to define it for it is always changing, always leaving my grasp. i hold on tight but there it goes. i know nothing. i don't know what to do with nothing and i don't know what to do with anything at all. this is how it is but even now i'm not sure. uncertainty manifested into certainty and then back again. and so it goes and so it remains. i must know something though i can't place my finger on it.

untitled

what does it mean
to think 'i love you'
after two weeks?

to me,
we're kindred spirits.
our
souls
make
love.

our minds are
confused.
'this is irrational'
we think.

but,
i
know.
deep down, i know...

i'm making a
fool of myself.

sweeter everyday

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

my lover says,
"i don't want to be lonely"
and, "i'm not lonely
with
you."
he also says, "i'm confused
and need to think."

personally,
i don't know what there
is to think about.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

so far, so good

The 'So, what? I don't give a shit' and the added 'I do not know what to expect today' have been working really well. I've opened myself up to people/the world and this new receptiveness is making a difference in my daily affairs. I've talked to quite a number of people on the street - coming out of a book store I chatted with a music student, Tristan his name; I was asked my opinion by two strangers about yawning and saying 'excuse me' afterward; and I met Chris. Now, these others may seem very mundane but they're huge fo me. I wasn't even uncomfortable while we were chatting and afterward I didn't judge myself or feel ashamed. I'm choosing not to feel those things, to train myself into self-acceptance. Anyway, Chris is huge!

I came home on Thursday and walked in on Casey (my roomie) and her friend, Chris, at the dinner table chatting. I was introduced, we said 'hello, nice to meet you' and then I went upstairs to my room. I realized then that I had forgotten my book in my kitchen cupboard so I had to retreive it. I made my way hastily down and quietly took my book. When I got to my room Casey came up behind me and invited me to join them. I agreed.

Over dinner and conversation it was decided that Casey and I would go with Chris to his place. Later, though, Casey decided she was too tired to go and Chris said that I was still welcome. So he and I biked the hour to his place at dusk. We talked the whole way there and then watched the first half of 'Eternal Sunshine' (which is one of his all time favorites too!). But it stopped working half way through. Instead we played cribbage and talked until 2am. It was great!

But talk about random - and really neat! I meet him then spend the night at his place. There was never the intention to sleep together - not on my end anyway - and he didn't make any moves on me at all. It was one of the most delightful evenings I've had.

I think the important thing I learned about myself is that I trust people and I shouldn't let fear stand in my way. It was such a grand experience that wouldn't have happened if I stayed 'inside myself' and feared others. I'm still a bit timid of getting to know him - he's very impressed with me at the moment but how long will that last? I'm scared about that... but I'm sucking it up and I'm not going to play to my insecurities. I'm interpreting myself differently - and I think most of it boils down to interrpretation!

-JK

So, what? I don't give a shit.

My new meditation.

I'm so tired of not feeling normal. All my life I've heard how extraordinary I am. I may be, I don't know. Every thing I do is a failure because I've ingested these words of praise and the pressure of them is too great. It's easier for me to live with the facade of greatness and not try than to try hard and truly fail. In reality, though, this isn't easy. I'm deperssed as hell and so caught up in these selfish feelings that I can't seem to do anything else but think myself to death. I'm alone and in despair. But what do I do? Seriously! How does someone learn to be themselves and rejoice in that? I tell myself to suck it up and just try and see what happens but come on, if it was that easy I wouldn't be writing this.

I think that's why I am alone. I'm afraid of someone entering my life and realizing that I'm not that wonderful. I did that before with Deanna and she left me. But I guess I was holding on to the notion that she was the only one who would ever see me and love me for who I am and so I held on so tight that she broke away.

That's why I'll adopt the mantra: "So, what? I don't give a shit". Because I'm living my life, no one else and I have to live with these consequences, no one else. So, what? I'm me and this is my life. Who gives a shit? I DO!

Right? Please let this feeling last and not let it be just rhetoric. I'm so tired of rhetoric.

I could do one of two things right now. I could 1) stop thinking about this blog and begin to fantasize about going down on another woman, or 2) face the cold reality that I'm alone and that I'll probably be alone for quite a while so why kid myself?

Hmm, put that way the first option is looking pretty... tastey. Funny how masturbation can solve any internal strife.

It has been a very very long time...

since I laid fingers on the keys for blogging purposes. I guess this is proof of what I said in my second post: I am not a blogger.

As for now I am well into the first month of my final year at university. A part of me rejoices because come April I will be freed from this academic prison. The other part laments for I know I have not made these years all of what they could have been. But that in itself is ambiguous and pointless to think about so I will say this: "I've done with myself what I thought I could do" and let me also say this: "My thoughts hate me." Luckily I am living with a wise man who tells me, and I'm prone to believe what he says, "we are not our thoughts. We are the awareness that is deeper than our mind." Also that there is only this moment. THIS MOMENT! I'm learning this slowly but I hope for a time when I will no longer hope myself out of this moment and into another. I want to enjoy this. To enjoy myself and others. To bring love into this world and not fear and anxiety.

I find this difficult because I am alone. And not just existentially for that would be lamenting an inescapable reality for us all. No. I mean that I am really alone. I have few friends and of these I am close to none. I am lonely. Because of this I find it quite easy to sink into dark depths and to slack in my studies in favor of escapist activities. I like being around people. I don't know what's stopping me - that's not true. Ever since my best friend ditched me, insulted me, and hated me I find it difficult to trust. I find myself STILL, after 5 months, still think about her. It's especially difficult because I am my distraction.

Speaking of distractions... I lost my thoughts and now doing other things. Perhaps I'll return to this or decide it wasn't worth the focus. JK out.

one little, two little, three little choices

at this moment i have severe writers block so i'm going to write about that blockage. there is a mound of rubble caked with dirt and sprouting grasses in my mind and it is acting as a dam against my stream of consciousness. the harder i try to rid myself of this menace the more compact the earth deeper and the roots become. consciously thinking about the problem makes it more real yet simply watching the problem allows those natural processes to take hold. all i can do is talk about the problem, hoping that with each description of the problem a piece of it is taken away.

so far it has worked.

today i used two fifteen minute sessions to mediate, a third one will take place later. the practice i'm trying to implement in my daily routine is 'samadhi' or concentration meditation/cultivation. my experience with it today is thus: it is hard! but i'm up for a good challenge. to describe the revelation of my mental functioning today i would say that it falls into two extremes: one of complete mindlessness (or rather, total lack of concentration) and so concentrated that all other things are excluded. i know the first is certainly not desirous, after all we're talking about forming concentration. but as for the second, i'm wondering, does such a strong focus on breathing really indicate concentration? (ah, difficult to articulate...)- i think maybe that what i'm calling 'strong concentration' is simply me in the act of trying too hard. is there such a thing as a natural state of concentration? of course, i've only started doing this today... i'm sure i'll learn more as time goes on!

on a differnt note: i've actually downed eight whole glasses of water today! and today was really nice! i made good, mindful choices - like, not buying sweets at the store and instead a honeydew melon (which i only ate half of!), i reached my goal of 8 glass of h2o, i emailed the deputy mayor about my petition proposition, i read outside (rain and shine) which was quite uplifting, and went for a walk barefoot in rain sprinkles. (i stumbled upon a site for barefoot living and it struck me as a wonderful idea! i love barefeet so why not go about free!?) at the end of the day i can say that i'm quite happy. sure there are those things that are troublesome, but i can acknowledge their presence and try to move on. i choose to live my life, not to dwell.

-jk

blawg

what what what what do i want to write?

mind is fuzzy and inarticulate. just got off work - 8 hours of monotonous conveyance of paper product to cardboard box has my mind on pause. getting use to spontaneity again. one two three ok.

i wish.

what happened today: slept til noonish (i sleep late because of the ever present risk of working 12-8am), tried to meditate, called to work 4-12, walk with alison, made supper, worked, home now. this is completely unnecessary to even write.

favorite word today: captiulate - to surrender or acquiesce (also a great word)
favorite person at work today: pat (who said 'capitulate')
favorite scent today: midnight trees and fresh air
favorite emotion today: happiness on the walk home tonight
favorite experience today: my walk home tonight - solitude, freshness and warmth of a summer night, peace and quiet

not much of a fan of writing to no on in particular. what is there to say to myself that i don't already know? let's see tomorrow!

-jk

to it, to my, to me

I met with Forgivness for the first time. She was calm and illuminous - all encompassing and I fell for her at once. In her I saw reflected something newly born in myself. That same calmness and luminosity that she radiated was fresh air. I was lifted by Forgivness. She introduced to me Happiness in a way I had never met him before. He filled my body up so much that he broke through my skin. Happiness released me.

My life is about choices, as I believe is everyone's. We actively make choices all day and every day we are alive. Reflecting upon my life thus far I've no choice but to admit to my many failings, my many mistakes, and my many regrets. In my 22 years of life I have been selfish. Though this quality is a small part of my personality it is nonetheless a poison that has contaminated all else because I chose to either ignore it or to misinterpret its existence, to make excuses for it and gave it justification. Such choices led me down many different paths, all of which led to the same destination - failure. Failure in my relationships and my personal and professional life. In short, I always, without fail, failed. I had to admit the painful truth: I am a fuck-up.

The last month has led me down a new path, one of honest and unwavering self-discovery. Not of judgement - I'm learning to silence my inner critic. Down this path I've learned about forgiveness and happiness in a new and profound way. I am hopeful that this path will lead me out of my dark forest. But I am afraid of losing my way, of not being able to maintain composure and mindfulness. That I'll fall out of making positive choices or of even making choices at all. I'm terribly afraid, but I'm also strong. I was so wounded by my last disaster, so full of hatred and self-pity that my inner peace was shaken. Usually I have a handle on my fundamental self, but this time it was so taken aback by my actions that it all but crumbled. I could no longer hide from the truth of my actions, couldn't supress them - I had to face them and it was hard. The result is what I believe to be a breakdown and I knew it would happen eventually, terrified by how it would manifest itself. In the end it manifested in such a way that I think I've lost my best friend. Words cannot describe...

But in the time that has passed I've learned forgivness. I've forgiven myself for my past actions so that I can move on in a new direction. I'm learning to love, respect, and take pride in myself - things I haven't felt before. I'm learning the power of choice and truth and honesty. I've decided to take an active role in my life, to be independent. I'm learning responsibility. All in all I feel I'm growing up. Most importantly, though, I've learned that life transcends myself and my actions effect other people very much. Intellectually this is obvious, but to live it - that is an art I'm learning.

In the end my eternal optimism has returned with an edge. She is more grounded and less idealistic, though still needs to be kept in check. I'm learning to look at my life one day at a time - no easy feat. I have to remind myself that the present is all we know: for the past is simply present memories and the future is merely present hopes. My today determines my tomorrow. I cannot forget that and I cannot blindly believe things will work out.

note to self: BE LOVING AND MINDFUL. BE OPEN AND GRACIOUS. BE ACTIVE AND RESPECTFUL.

the hardest part about this journey is my past. i've forgiven, but have others? how long before their perceptions change? how long before my own? ... one day at a time jacq.

still life: my mother's couch

the furniture in my mother's living room are testaments of a poverty striken existence. every piece is very old and either a hand-me-down from more prosperous relatives or a church sale find. take our couch for example. my mom bought it for twenty dollars when i was twelve. it was a nice couch, structurally sound and pleasingly comfortable. with regard to appearance, though, it left one important element to be desired: colour. at the time of purchase it was an ugly burnt orange and clashed with my mom's complexion. the burnt orange had to go.

after much idle talk about the awful colour my mom finally decided it was time for a change. she bought burgundy dye. the cushions absorbed the colour well. the body, however, proved a more difficult task. it was decided that black paint should do the trick so we tried it. being poor, however, our budget only allowed for a few bottles of black told paint and, since it needed to cover a large sectional couch, we were left with no choice but to water it down. the result was messy. the arms of our couch are a mixture of black, gray, and burnt orange while the cushions are an even burgundy. i, personally, preferred the ugly original.

detritus strewn ashore after the ebbing tide

*dancedance* with me
it'll be our resolution
*dancedance* with me
we'll make a revolution

***

I'm completely hooked on *dancedance*. I think about it _at least_ twice a day. During some sleepless nights I imagine that I'm *dancedancing* - "Play that funky music white boy" ... left down up right left right - and when I think about it during the day my mind and body become tensely excited because I cannot *dancedance* now that I'm on summer intermission from school. I've decided, though, to purchase my own and have vowed to become awesome at *dancedance*. I'm already pretty good, but I'm only on the standard level and there are frequent times when I get lost on the quicker songs. This summer I will become awesome, for real.

OK. Now for a change of pace - I'm fearing I sound like an immature high school student. I've just completed my third year of university and will be 22 next Saturday. *dancedance* brings out the kid in me which is just one reason why I adore it so.

***

Despite all appearances I am not a blogger.

This is more of a creative outlet. It offers perspective and mental clarity; it is a mouth-piece for my thoughts. My principle reason for starting such a project is to hone my writing skills, to find my voice and my style - both creative and academic, though mostly creative (though this is sounding very academic). I will start over.

Despite all appearances I am not a blogger.

(much time passes. I initially wrote this next passage as a story on my friend T's facebook wall but I decided it would be more conducive - and less public! - for my purposes here).

I don't remember much about the beginning except that it took place very early in the morning and that I was awoken by extraordinary laughter. The sound held a musical cadence with intermitent clicks and chirps, as if, I imagine, its source was some kind of humaninsect. Despite its inhuman quality, I found myself quite calm. As I became more alert I saw, in my periphery, an unusual green glow through my curtains. Still calm, yet by now quite intrigued, I lifted my covers and went to the window where I felt a sudden thrill shoot through my body. That unnatural feeling is the last thing I remember on Earth.

When I regained consciousness I found myself in a dazzling environment. Surrounding me were flowers of all shades and hues. This place was brilliantly radiant. It was the reflection in the morning dew that I first realized the magnifcent beauty of this world.

- I must stop here. I'm feeling restricted instead of expanded which is the way I would like to be. The visions in my head are beautiful - the sounds, the smells, the sights; everything. There is so much more to what I've written, I just can't seem to capture it. Perhaps it is my style that restricts? There's nothing really satisfying about the first paragraph. I find it too ambiguous - even though ambiguity is a good thing given the subject matter, I find it holds too much of this quality. As for the second, well, it's dull especially when compared to what is in my head. There is such richness to this idea, such possibility. I will work on it later - for now I sleep.

- Reminders: A.T's picture; reflections, flowers, water, shadows; alienation - in this sense: literal, metaphorical, and alegorical; expand the setting to include more than just the narrator's mind - perhaps this would best be achieved in a different narrative style? experiment with voice; detail detail detail. Conclusion: this is good for a first attempt. It'll become easier with practice!

~ jk

PS - i'm too critical of myself. "shut up critic!" - known henceforth as the Headmistress.

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