So, what? I don't give a shit.

My new meditation.

I'm so tired of not feeling normal. All my life I've heard how extraordinary I am. I may be, I don't know. Every thing I do is a failure because I've ingested these words of praise and the pressure of them is too great. It's easier for me to live with the facade of greatness and not try than to try hard and truly fail. In reality, though, this isn't easy. I'm deperssed as hell and so caught up in these selfish feelings that I can't seem to do anything else but think myself to death. I'm alone and in despair. But what do I do? Seriously! How does someone learn to be themselves and rejoice in that? I tell myself to suck it up and just try and see what happens but come on, if it was that easy I wouldn't be writing this.

I think that's why I am alone. I'm afraid of someone entering my life and realizing that I'm not that wonderful. I did that before with Deanna and she left me. But I guess I was holding on to the notion that she was the only one who would ever see me and love me for who I am and so I held on so tight that she broke away.

That's why I'll adopt the mantra: "So, what? I don't give a shit". Because I'm living my life, no one else and I have to live with these consequences, no one else. So, what? I'm me and this is my life. Who gives a shit? I DO!

Right? Please let this feeling last and not let it be just rhetoric. I'm so tired of rhetoric.