It has been a very very long time...

since I laid fingers on the keys for blogging purposes. I guess this is proof of what I said in my second post: I am not a blogger.

As for now I am well into the first month of my final year at university. A part of me rejoices because come April I will be freed from this academic prison. The other part laments for I know I have not made these years all of what they could have been. But that in itself is ambiguous and pointless to think about so I will say this: "I've done with myself what I thought I could do" and let me also say this: "My thoughts hate me." Luckily I am living with a wise man who tells me, and I'm prone to believe what he says, "we are not our thoughts. We are the awareness that is deeper than our mind." Also that there is only this moment. THIS MOMENT! I'm learning this slowly but I hope for a time when I will no longer hope myself out of this moment and into another. I want to enjoy this. To enjoy myself and others. To bring love into this world and not fear and anxiety.

I find this difficult because I am alone. And not just existentially for that would be lamenting an inescapable reality for us all. No. I mean that I am really alone. I have few friends and of these I am close to none. I am lonely. Because of this I find it quite easy to sink into dark depths and to slack in my studies in favor of escapist activities. I like being around people. I don't know what's stopping me - that's not true. Ever since my best friend ditched me, insulted me, and hated me I find it difficult to trust. I find myself STILL, after 5 months, still think about her. It's especially difficult because I am my distraction.

Speaking of distractions... I lost my thoughts and now doing other things. Perhaps I'll return to this or decide it wasn't worth the focus. JK out.