so far, so good

The 'So, what? I don't give a shit' and the added 'I do not know what to expect today' have been working really well. I've opened myself up to people/the world and this new receptiveness is making a difference in my daily affairs. I've talked to quite a number of people on the street - coming out of a book store I chatted with a music student, Tristan his name; I was asked my opinion by two strangers about yawning and saying 'excuse me' afterward; and I met Chris. Now, these others may seem very mundane but they're huge fo me. I wasn't even uncomfortable while we were chatting and afterward I didn't judge myself or feel ashamed. I'm choosing not to feel those things, to train myself into self-acceptance. Anyway, Chris is huge!

I came home on Thursday and walked in on Casey (my roomie) and her friend, Chris, at the dinner table chatting. I was introduced, we said 'hello, nice to meet you' and then I went upstairs to my room. I realized then that I had forgotten my book in my kitchen cupboard so I had to retreive it. I made my way hastily down and quietly took my book. When I got to my room Casey came up behind me and invited me to join them. I agreed.

Over dinner and conversation it was decided that Casey and I would go with Chris to his place. Later, though, Casey decided she was too tired to go and Chris said that I was still welcome. So he and I biked the hour to his place at dusk. We talked the whole way there and then watched the first half of 'Eternal Sunshine' (which is one of his all time favorites too!). But it stopped working half way through. Instead we played cribbage and talked until 2am. It was great!

But talk about random - and really neat! I meet him then spend the night at his place. There was never the intention to sleep together - not on my end anyway - and he didn't make any moves on me at all. It was one of the most delightful evenings I've had.

I think the important thing I learned about myself is that I trust people and I shouldn't let fear stand in my way. It was such a grand experience that wouldn't have happened if I stayed 'inside myself' and feared others. I'm still a bit timid of getting to know him - he's very impressed with me at the moment but how long will that last? I'm scared about that... but I'm sucking it up and I'm not going to play to my insecurities. I'm interpreting myself differently - and I think most of it boils down to interrpretation!

-JK