to it, to my, to me

I met with Forgivness for the first time. She was calm and illuminous - all encompassing and I fell for her at once. In her I saw reflected something newly born in myself. That same calmness and luminosity that she radiated was fresh air. I was lifted by Forgivness. She introduced to me Happiness in a way I had never met him before. He filled my body up so much that he broke through my skin. Happiness released me.

My life is about choices, as I believe is everyone's. We actively make choices all day and every day we are alive. Reflecting upon my life thus far I've no choice but to admit to my many failings, my many mistakes, and my many regrets. In my 22 years of life I have been selfish. Though this quality is a small part of my personality it is nonetheless a poison that has contaminated all else because I chose to either ignore it or to misinterpret its existence, to make excuses for it and gave it justification. Such choices led me down many different paths, all of which led to the same destination - failure. Failure in my relationships and my personal and professional life. In short, I always, without fail, failed. I had to admit the painful truth: I am a fuck-up.

The last month has led me down a new path, one of honest and unwavering self-discovery. Not of judgement - I'm learning to silence my inner critic. Down this path I've learned about forgiveness and happiness in a new and profound way. I am hopeful that this path will lead me out of my dark forest. But I am afraid of losing my way, of not being able to maintain composure and mindfulness. That I'll fall out of making positive choices or of even making choices at all. I'm terribly afraid, but I'm also strong. I was so wounded by my last disaster, so full of hatred and self-pity that my inner peace was shaken. Usually I have a handle on my fundamental self, but this time it was so taken aback by my actions that it all but crumbled. I could no longer hide from the truth of my actions, couldn't supress them - I had to face them and it was hard. The result is what I believe to be a breakdown and I knew it would happen eventually, terrified by how it would manifest itself. In the end it manifested in such a way that I think I've lost my best friend. Words cannot describe...

But in the time that has passed I've learned forgivness. I've forgiven myself for my past actions so that I can move on in a new direction. I'm learning to love, respect, and take pride in myself - things I haven't felt before. I'm learning the power of choice and truth and honesty. I've decided to take an active role in my life, to be independent. I'm learning responsibility. All in all I feel I'm growing up. Most importantly, though, I've learned that life transcends myself and my actions effect other people very much. Intellectually this is obvious, but to live it - that is an art I'm learning.

In the end my eternal optimism has returned with an edge. She is more grounded and less idealistic, though still needs to be kept in check. I'm learning to look at my life one day at a time - no easy feat. I have to remind myself that the present is all we know: for the past is simply present memories and the future is merely present hopes. My today determines my tomorrow. I cannot forget that and I cannot blindly believe things will work out.

note to self: BE LOVING AND MINDFUL. BE OPEN AND GRACIOUS. BE ACTIVE AND RESPECTFUL.

the hardest part about this journey is my past. i've forgiven, but have others? how long before their perceptions change? how long before my own? ... one day at a time jacq.