Twenty four hours in my day. Twenty four years in my life.

I wrote this as an email to a friend of mine yesterday (who thought I was turning 23). It pretty well sums up what I think about being 24 so I thought I'd post it.
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Thanks for the birthday wishes, S!
I'm much older than you think. 24 today. Woh.
Kinda weirded out: I got an email from my self at 22 (www.futureme.org). I'm not who I wanted to be... but I'm closer, right? I don't know what that means, actually. If we want and want without stopping, breathing, and really feeling the ground beneath our feet how do we know who we are. Or maybe I meant something more articulate... like, something I can't put into words right now; it's still that weirded out feeling.
The email made me feel old. It made me feel like a broken record. I'm spinning on this table and I feel like I'm moving but... repetition and skipping and staying in one spot...
Oh 24! What is this age!?
I wrote to myself at 26 and 28 today. I'm kinda masochistic like that.
I feel weird about 24. Like, 24 is something responsible and put together and I'm not those things. Like, 24 should be well on your way.... To what? 24 doesn't belong to me. 24 belongs to society. I guess that's why I feel off. Not only am I disappointing myself but I'm also disappointing society. But what does that even fucking mean?! Dammit, S. Life is so wonderful and beautiful and then we have these expectations that mess the whole thing up. Let us just Be!! Let us decide freely what we want to be and embrace our journeys, each and every one of our personal journeys through this mysterious chance encounter with Earth.
You know what really confuses me? People who don't wonder about the meaning of life. People who think they've figured it out by grabbing onto some fucked up doctrine. People who think we're just decomposing particles. People who think everything can be explained. Well fuck if that doesn't just minimize the whole Universe! We are mysterious. Our time on Earth is so... improbable. And then we're domesticated and given blinders; encouraged, taught, and forced to abide... by who? by what? What is it we're so dutifully following or trying to follow? It should be that voice in ourselves! It should be the wind in the trees and moon in the sky; nature flows more articulately than anything human's have written. Why are we ignoring her? I have not been happy holding on to the forced life and I will never be happy until I let go and run. Until I learn the language of the wind. Until I meet the horizon. So what is it that I hang onto at 24? What are these expectations and what do they mean?
24 feels circular; I've made it around the face of the clock and... it's a new beginning... a new day in my life.
24 is a big number. If I'm a lucky statistic I have almost 1/3 of my life lived. How crazy is that? But what about reincarnation? Do you think it's possible? When I was younger my 2 year old cousin used to say, "There's where my daughter lives" whenever we passed by a certain house, (unfortunately my aunt is steadfast against reincarnation and didn't pursue his conversation). And I've heard so many stories of children finding THEIR children and grandchildren. Plus, the Dhali Llama - the dying Llama will direct the other llamas toward the place where he'll reincarnate and then the child they find... well, it's rather remarkable. We are so mysterious. How can we possibly say we have the answers? How can we possibly be that arrogant and closed off? ... Of course, my declaration is just as arrogant...
Anyway, I really have to ask myself what this means. What does it mean to be unsatisfied at 24? To feel like something is missing from this grand and awesome life I have to work with? It's such a peculiar thing, yaknow? And I feel the waver and the tilt inside of me when I think about living my life my way. There's an equally strong force pushing me away from this decision as there is pulling me toward it. I guess it boils down to choice. Which feeling will I allow to be stronger? This is the choice I've always had to make and I've always never made it; comfortable in my Limbo. But that's a sad use of this life...
I talk and I think about what I have to do, I think and I talk myself into it and up to it and still, I've always known the answer. To manifest that answer, there's the rub! So let's make a pact. I don't know what you're wrestling with S, the specific conversation you're having with the Voice in your head, but whatever it is, let my 24 year old wisdom tell you that you have to follow it. (You know, if you haven't already made that decision...!).
Well, that's my birthday rant. I feel agitated and explosive. I want to fly atomic in outer space, to collide with galaxies and casanove with stars. To make love with a few black holes.