I lied. Again.

I'm not actually bicycling across Canada.

I say that I am because it's easier than talking about my real, wayward and purposeless plan. And I lie because it's been my mechanism since I was little in order to protect my dreams and my self.

If I lie how will you know how to stop me? hurt me? break me?

This lying business has gotten out of hand and I don't know what is true any more. So, it's time to grow up and speak honestly.

Here it is, the beginning of my practice: My intention is to embody what freedom means to me: To not answer to anybody but my heart. I want to give myself the opportunity to shed the extra senses given to me by my so-called lot in life and by my family. I want to discover the lost Ark of Me.

I've tried this many times before. Those were times that didn't work out because I wasn't free enough. My outside lives still suffocated my inside Life. I had the pressure of finding a job. Finding friends. Worrying about money. Worrying about doing things right. And other pressures that come while living in the civilized world; those cramping bombardments that distract you from your real purpose. Plus, I was really young. I didn't know what I was doing and I was still my biggest enemy.

I am still my biggest enemy.

Despite appearance, I do not give up. I know when something feels wrong and I move on to something else or I detach myself until the thing that trapped me is over.

This. Isn't. Working.

My purpose is 'to find me.' To let the girl-child go and allow the woman to bloom. I can't move on with life until I start this process 'the right way'. Total freedom is two months on a bike with no direction, no worries, no expectations. "Just let me be while I do my thing." And then go from there into civilization, more or less.

I just want to figure out who I am. To start that I need to get away from people I know. I need to get away from forming new relationships. I need to run until I need to stop.

A part of me wonders if I'll 'succeed' this time. I fight those moments when something inside pushespushespushes against my habit'd and normal responses; an action, a thought, a feeling... A sensation will follow that urges me to change course, tells me I'll make progress if I allow It to grow. But I fight it and I grow hot and burn a fury inside as these energies box for their glory.

I'm afraid of stopping this auto-pilot. I'm afraid I'll break down. Right now. Immediately. And I don't want to do this with other people close to me, clouding my mind with how I perceive their expectations and disappointments and the heaviness of their energies. I've held off the truth for so long, out of anger and resentment and fear and... have built so many lies. I am a lie.

A truth: I am a dreamer and a runner. I want to be the woman I feel contractioning inside of me and I want to give her birth. I want the freedom of knowing nobody.

I'm scared, excited, moved, and enthralled by the break down.


(Picture: My Grandmother in front of her sister's house, Newfoundland.)