Damn

Just got off the phone with my younger sister. She's so responsible and has a successful career going in Ottawa. It was so difficult articulating why I want to spend this summer exploring (my psyche, Canada, nature, wild plants, strangers, my heart, etc.) and, if you've ever spoken your truth to someone who simply doesn't understand, someone who you have this complicated relationship with, one full of expectation and social design, and you just don't jive, well, it left me feeling shitty.
Shitty and confused and bungled. I need to leave right now. I need to get away and free my head space from these people looking at me with their disappointing sheep eyes. My family - Bah!
They don't understand. Well, my mom might. She's a freer spirit but is still weighed down with being poor and victimized. But my dad. Woh. This is the guy who thinks pro-wrestling is the shit. Who hasn't read a book since leaving high school (and if then?). He's the guy who has lived with his mother for 45 of his 50 year life. Who watches TV 8 hours a day. He's the guy who will look at me like I'm all kinds of crazy... and yet this is the guy whose expectations I don't want to disappoint and I ask myself WHY!? Why am I holding onto this when it's pulling me down pulling me down down down?
These people in my life don't understand.
And it's because of them that I question myself. That I live in this dual world of lies and truths. That I'm failing at being me and failing at being society. That I've hermited away in this room all winter afraid to be in the world because, you know, I'm "incapable". I feel like screaming but I can't... imagine the response that would get! These people. Who are these people I'm related to? Why is a part of me trying to be like them, forcing me to be like them and clouding my mind trying to figure them out?
Yes, I'm waking up. More and more. I'm finding myself inside this web of lies and I'm growing stronger and clearer and my voice is louder by the day. I am leaving this place behind and I won't return until I am my own person.
This is my birthday pact.