so far, so good

The 'So, what? I don't give a shit' and the added 'I do not know what to expect today' have been working really well. I've opened myself up to people/the world and this new receptiveness is making a difference in my daily affairs. I've talked to quite a number of people on the street - coming out of a book store I chatted with a music student, Tristan his name; I was asked my opinion by two strangers about yawning and saying 'excuse me' afterward; and I met Chris. Now, these others may seem very mundane but they're huge fo me. I wasn't even uncomfortable while we were chatting and afterward I didn't judge myself or feel ashamed. I'm choosing not to feel those things, to train myself into self-acceptance. Anyway, Chris is huge!

I came home on Thursday and walked in on Casey (my roomie) and her friend, Chris, at the dinner table chatting. I was introduced, we said 'hello, nice to meet you' and then I went upstairs to my room. I realized then that I had forgotten my book in my kitchen cupboard so I had to retreive it. I made my way hastily down and quietly took my book. When I got to my room Casey came up behind me and invited me to join them. I agreed.

Over dinner and conversation it was decided that Casey and I would go with Chris to his place. Later, though, Casey decided she was too tired to go and Chris said that I was still welcome. So he and I biked the hour to his place at dusk. We talked the whole way there and then watched the first half of 'Eternal Sunshine' (which is one of his all time favorites too!). But it stopped working half way through. Instead we played cribbage and talked until 2am. It was great!

But talk about random - and really neat! I meet him then spend the night at his place. There was never the intention to sleep together - not on my end anyway - and he didn't make any moves on me at all. It was one of the most delightful evenings I've had.

I think the important thing I learned about myself is that I trust people and I shouldn't let fear stand in my way. It was such a grand experience that wouldn't have happened if I stayed 'inside myself' and feared others. I'm still a bit timid of getting to know him - he's very impressed with me at the moment but how long will that last? I'm scared about that... but I'm sucking it up and I'm not going to play to my insecurities. I'm interpreting myself differently - and I think most of it boils down to interrpretation!

-JK

So, what? I don't give a shit.

My new meditation.

I'm so tired of not feeling normal. All my life I've heard how extraordinary I am. I may be, I don't know. Every thing I do is a failure because I've ingested these words of praise and the pressure of them is too great. It's easier for me to live with the facade of greatness and not try than to try hard and truly fail. In reality, though, this isn't easy. I'm deperssed as hell and so caught up in these selfish feelings that I can't seem to do anything else but think myself to death. I'm alone and in despair. But what do I do? Seriously! How does someone learn to be themselves and rejoice in that? I tell myself to suck it up and just try and see what happens but come on, if it was that easy I wouldn't be writing this.

I think that's why I am alone. I'm afraid of someone entering my life and realizing that I'm not that wonderful. I did that before with Deanna and she left me. But I guess I was holding on to the notion that she was the only one who would ever see me and love me for who I am and so I held on so tight that she broke away.

That's why I'll adopt the mantra: "So, what? I don't give a shit". Because I'm living my life, no one else and I have to live with these consequences, no one else. So, what? I'm me and this is my life. Who gives a shit? I DO!

Right? Please let this feeling last and not let it be just rhetoric. I'm so tired of rhetoric.

I could do one of two things right now. I could 1) stop thinking about this blog and begin to fantasize about going down on another woman, or 2) face the cold reality that I'm alone and that I'll probably be alone for quite a while so why kid myself?

Hmm, put that way the first option is looking pretty... tastey. Funny how masturbation can solve any internal strife.

It has been a very very long time...

since I laid fingers on the keys for blogging purposes. I guess this is proof of what I said in my second post: I am not a blogger.

As for now I am well into the first month of my final year at university. A part of me rejoices because come April I will be freed from this academic prison. The other part laments for I know I have not made these years all of what they could have been. But that in itself is ambiguous and pointless to think about so I will say this: "I've done with myself what I thought I could do" and let me also say this: "My thoughts hate me." Luckily I am living with a wise man who tells me, and I'm prone to believe what he says, "we are not our thoughts. We are the awareness that is deeper than our mind." Also that there is only this moment. THIS MOMENT! I'm learning this slowly but I hope for a time when I will no longer hope myself out of this moment and into another. I want to enjoy this. To enjoy myself and others. To bring love into this world and not fear and anxiety.

I find this difficult because I am alone. And not just existentially for that would be lamenting an inescapable reality for us all. No. I mean that I am really alone. I have few friends and of these I am close to none. I am lonely. Because of this I find it quite easy to sink into dark depths and to slack in my studies in favor of escapist activities. I like being around people. I don't know what's stopping me - that's not true. Ever since my best friend ditched me, insulted me, and hated me I find it difficult to trust. I find myself STILL, after 5 months, still think about her. It's especially difficult because I am my distraction.

Speaking of distractions... I lost my thoughts and now doing other things. Perhaps I'll return to this or decide it wasn't worth the focus. JK out.