one little, two little, three little choices

at this moment i have severe writers block so i'm going to write about that blockage. there is a mound of rubble caked with dirt and sprouting grasses in my mind and it is acting as a dam against my stream of consciousness. the harder i try to rid myself of this menace the more compact the earth deeper and the roots become. consciously thinking about the problem makes it more real yet simply watching the problem allows those natural processes to take hold. all i can do is talk about the problem, hoping that with each description of the problem a piece of it is taken away.

so far it has worked.

today i used two fifteen minute sessions to mediate, a third one will take place later. the practice i'm trying to implement in my daily routine is 'samadhi' or concentration meditation/cultivation. my experience with it today is thus: it is hard! but i'm up for a good challenge. to describe the revelation of my mental functioning today i would say that it falls into two extremes: one of complete mindlessness (or rather, total lack of concentration) and so concentrated that all other things are excluded. i know the first is certainly not desirous, after all we're talking about forming concentration. but as for the second, i'm wondering, does such a strong focus on breathing really indicate concentration? (ah, difficult to articulate...)- i think maybe that what i'm calling 'strong concentration' is simply me in the act of trying too hard. is there such a thing as a natural state of concentration? of course, i've only started doing this today... i'm sure i'll learn more as time goes on!

on a differnt note: i've actually downed eight whole glasses of water today! and today was really nice! i made good, mindful choices - like, not buying sweets at the store and instead a honeydew melon (which i only ate half of!), i reached my goal of 8 glass of h2o, i emailed the deputy mayor about my petition proposition, i read outside (rain and shine) which was quite uplifting, and went for a walk barefoot in rain sprinkles. (i stumbled upon a site for barefoot living and it struck me as a wonderful idea! i love barefeet so why not go about free!?) at the end of the day i can say that i'm quite happy. sure there are those things that are troublesome, but i can acknowledge their presence and try to move on. i choose to live my life, not to dwell.

-jk

blawg

what what what what do i want to write?

mind is fuzzy and inarticulate. just got off work - 8 hours of monotonous conveyance of paper product to cardboard box has my mind on pause. getting use to spontaneity again. one two three ok.

i wish.

what happened today: slept til noonish (i sleep late because of the ever present risk of working 12-8am), tried to meditate, called to work 4-12, walk with alison, made supper, worked, home now. this is completely unnecessary to even write.

favorite word today: captiulate - to surrender or acquiesce (also a great word)
favorite person at work today: pat (who said 'capitulate')
favorite scent today: midnight trees and fresh air
favorite emotion today: happiness on the walk home tonight
favorite experience today: my walk home tonight - solitude, freshness and warmth of a summer night, peace and quiet

not much of a fan of writing to no on in particular. what is there to say to myself that i don't already know? let's see tomorrow!

-jk

to it, to my, to me

I met with Forgivness for the first time. She was calm and illuminous - all encompassing and I fell for her at once. In her I saw reflected something newly born in myself. That same calmness and luminosity that she radiated was fresh air. I was lifted by Forgivness. She introduced to me Happiness in a way I had never met him before. He filled my body up so much that he broke through my skin. Happiness released me.

My life is about choices, as I believe is everyone's. We actively make choices all day and every day we are alive. Reflecting upon my life thus far I've no choice but to admit to my many failings, my many mistakes, and my many regrets. In my 22 years of life I have been selfish. Though this quality is a small part of my personality it is nonetheless a poison that has contaminated all else because I chose to either ignore it or to misinterpret its existence, to make excuses for it and gave it justification. Such choices led me down many different paths, all of which led to the same destination - failure. Failure in my relationships and my personal and professional life. In short, I always, without fail, failed. I had to admit the painful truth: I am a fuck-up.

The last month has led me down a new path, one of honest and unwavering self-discovery. Not of judgement - I'm learning to silence my inner critic. Down this path I've learned about forgiveness and happiness in a new and profound way. I am hopeful that this path will lead me out of my dark forest. But I am afraid of losing my way, of not being able to maintain composure and mindfulness. That I'll fall out of making positive choices or of even making choices at all. I'm terribly afraid, but I'm also strong. I was so wounded by my last disaster, so full of hatred and self-pity that my inner peace was shaken. Usually I have a handle on my fundamental self, but this time it was so taken aback by my actions that it all but crumbled. I could no longer hide from the truth of my actions, couldn't supress them - I had to face them and it was hard. The result is what I believe to be a breakdown and I knew it would happen eventually, terrified by how it would manifest itself. In the end it manifested in such a way that I think I've lost my best friend. Words cannot describe...

But in the time that has passed I've learned forgivness. I've forgiven myself for my past actions so that I can move on in a new direction. I'm learning to love, respect, and take pride in myself - things I haven't felt before. I'm learning the power of choice and truth and honesty. I've decided to take an active role in my life, to be independent. I'm learning responsibility. All in all I feel I'm growing up. Most importantly, though, I've learned that life transcends myself and my actions effect other people very much. Intellectually this is obvious, but to live it - that is an art I'm learning.

In the end my eternal optimism has returned with an edge. She is more grounded and less idealistic, though still needs to be kept in check. I'm learning to look at my life one day at a time - no easy feat. I have to remind myself that the present is all we know: for the past is simply present memories and the future is merely present hopes. My today determines my tomorrow. I cannot forget that and I cannot blindly believe things will work out.

note to self: BE LOVING AND MINDFUL. BE OPEN AND GRACIOUS. BE ACTIVE AND RESPECTFUL.

the hardest part about this journey is my past. i've forgiven, but have others? how long before their perceptions change? how long before my own? ... one day at a time jacq.